Monthly Archives: February 2013

No Karma points


First, I have a confession to make… I found a loop hole at the clinic… on accident.  Turns out if the staff feels bad enough for you, they will put you on the schedule.  Under normal circumstances, you don’t get put on a schedule until you pay and sign a contract.  For my past two… creeping up to three cycles… I got scheduled with out paying.  Every time I would go to an appointment I would wait patiently for someone to notice.  No one has noticed that I haven’t paid.  We owe them a lot of money.  No one knows. I feel like I robbed a bank.  Every time I hear a siren I duck in hopes that they aren’t after me.  I actually feel guilty confessing this.  How did this happen?  I have no idea!! Don’t worry… apparently you don’t get a baby unless you actually pay.  I want to pay.  How do you tell them you haven’t paid?  Maybe I don’t want to pay.  Maybe I feel a little bit ripped off about that IVF cycle that was paid for in cash $24,000 and ended up with nothing.    Yea, that’s right they owe me money.  And that, my friends is how you justify these types of things.

Don’t worry, it will catch up to us.  Maybe God is like… save your money for that adoption you are going to have to pay for.  God is GOOD!  Sorry God for all that hostility I had. I hope maybe he understands.

I think I am the first person in the history of the world that this has happened to.  I seriously don’t know what to do.  Please don’t hate me.

I’m trying to get my meds ordered.  Not fun.

I have lost all faith.  Please bear with this mad woman!  I dont want to be negative, but honestly… is it negative when it’s based off of factual statistical data? I cant get pregnant (maybe if I say it enough, the universe will spit on my face and grant us a child out of spite… I will take what I can get).

Work is bananas right now.  I work for a medical diagnostic company.  First, Im going on vacation and everything is always due right before you leave.  Second, and this is sort of sad.  We are having major product issues on a particular method.  Each method is a test that a doctor would order up.  This particular test is used to dose anti-rejection meds.  Long story short… Sum Ting Wong and hospitals are turning away patients for transplants.  WTF!  Im certain that this is no good for my Karma.  This leaves many of us running around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to get this resolved ASAP.  Im trying to get good Karma points.  This isn’t helping!  We are doing everything we can to fix it.



Cockroaches and Twinkies


They say that the only two things that can survive a nuclear holocaust are Twinkies and Cockroaches.  Well given the recent Twinkie crisis of 2012, that leaves the cockroaches.  Im starting to feel like one of these roaches.

The ones that are left behind when everyone and everything moves on so to speak.  Everyone in my world is pregnant.  Friends that were having trouble that only went to see the RE because I encouraged them are now pregnant with twins.  Everyone I have helped has been able to move on.  My cousin is pregnant.  Almost everyone in my world is knocked up.

This will work out for everyone.

Everyone, that is, except for us.

Initially when we moved on to donor embryo, we did so thinking this would be so much easier than adoption.  I HAD NO IDEA THINGS COULD GO SO TERRIBLY WRONG.   At this point, I feel like adoption might be the answer for us.  I feel like we can survive anything.  Any trial that the world decides to give us, we can handle that.  I even think I can survive a failed adoption.  Something I feared before.  (UNIVERSE, THIS IS NOT AN INVITE FOR MORE CHAOS, PLEASE DONT TAKE THAT STATEMENT AS A CHALLENGE.)

I emailed many of you, but when we went to our last WTF appointment I was dead set against doing this ever ever again.  Then she suggested something that was music to my ears.  A mini stim cycle.  It’s like 2 weeks of monitoring, similar to IVF but only 2 weeks long as opposed to 6-8 weeks like the typical FET cycle.  So basically I can put these two perfect embryos into the garbage disposal (my uterus) while only being mildly inconvenienced.  I feel like we need to do this cycle to be able to move on to other option… there is actually only one option left… adoption.  Our next cycle starts March 8th?  I think. I have no idea, because I really don’t care… at all.

Even if I were fortunate enough to get pregnant, I’ve now been exposed to the harsh reality that a positive pregnancy test is only the beginning.  Before, I thought, God wouldn’t be so cruel as to let someone get so close and go through that devastation after everything that we have been through.  WRONG AGAIN!

After reading the sob story, you might think Im one razor blade away from slitting my wrists.  It’s actually quite the opposite.  This break has been so great.  I’ve been living life.  Happy.  I noticed about 2 weeks post chemical that I was walking up the longest hallway ever at work, I normally would walk up this hall so consumed with my uterus, well one day I noticed that I wasn’t, and it was the greatest day ever.  It’s been so nice.

Im perfectly happy avoiding life problems and pretending this horror story never happened.

Hmmmmm…  so a few updates.

I’ve been totally enthralled at work in a little scandal that will forever be known as Sphincter-gate.  My boss has somehow managed to piss off 15 out of 17 of his employees.  While he went to Hedonism (we know this because he told us… gross) the story got to HR.  People were called down in the masses to discuss what had occurred.  What occurred, you ask?  Well Fat Grimmace told a few of my coworkers about how every time he goes to the doctor she sticks her finger up his ass. He went into great detail about how fat and ugly his doctor is.  He then said, as casually as one says that they wish to win the lottery, that he wishes that instead of the womans finger… that it had been her tongue.  Are you cringing?  Yes??? Me too.  This man is going to give me a review at some point. HR interviewed peopled, and apparently this is not enough to get one fired.  Needless to say, Im on strike at work.  If you cant get fired for that, what can you get fired for?

How does one deal with a crisis?  They get a dog!!!! Well, we officially have three. I don’t know what the hell we were thinking.  I suppose we thrive in chaos.  While I was feeling sad about my empty uterus, at the same time all of my facebook friends decided to put every other post about a neglected/abandoned dog.  I could not take it anymore.  I told my husband we were going to foster dogs.  He told me that he wouldn’t give them up.  Then someone posted a picture of a Weimaraner that needs a home, and my husband said “Get him!”  Long story short, I ended up reaching out to the breeder that we got Lucy from (yes, a breeder, because we adopted a dog who was mentally insane and needed Prozac and I didn’t want that again).  Turns out that our Lucy, has a half brother, Knox, who was just kicked out of his house for breaking  china cabinet and needed a home.  My first thought… AT LEAST SOMEONE IN THIS HOUSE WILL HAVE A BLOOD RELATIVE.   It was a rough couple of weeks, but Knox is a regular member of the family now.

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Lastly, On Sunday, we are going to Disney World.  I can not wait.  Im eating at Cinderella’s Castle.  Im so excited.  We need a vacation BAD!

I want to thank all of you who have checked up on us, and kept in touch.  It has meant more than you could ever know.  I love all of you and hope for all of you that your journey is shorter and sweeter than that of my own.