Monthly Archives: March 2013

Tick tock tick tock tick tock

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I know this cycle will end up a bust just like all of the rest. I just want it over with. I wish there was a way to speed this up. I want to POAS. That way I can move on from this. Getting nightly injections of PIO When you know this is a complete waste of time is another form of cruel and unusual punishment. This whole thing is cruel and unusual punishment.

Why on Earth did I agree to this???? So fucking dumb!

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The transfer

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Again, I repeat, you don’t actually think this ends well, Do you?

These last two embryos suck. One didn’t thaw. They transferred two.

No embryos left. Which frankly, is a relief. This will truly be over and we can move on to adoption.

I’m making an attempt at being positive when all of this sucks. I bring you a list of things I’m happy about:

1. My private parts go back to being private. No more people asking me what I’m doing today with their head in my buh-gyna.

2. No more pineapple core. That shit is gross!

3. No one should be at a doctors appointment at 7 AM.

4. No more sad calls from the staff… “I’m sorry you’re not pregnant.” In that fucking voice.

5. No more needles.

6. Buh-bye magic wand.

7. No more what if’s.

8. No more not planning things because I don’t know if I’ll be cycling.

9. No regrets.

10. Peace.

When pigs fly

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That’s sort of how I feel about becoming pregnant. That’s also describes the odds of it snowing in Delaware at the end of March. 2-4 inches of snow expected today. I think I’m living in an alternative universe… What better a day to get pregnant. Defying odds, probably not… But that little bitch hope is rearing her ugly head.

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The dreaded question

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Yesterday at work, I was asked the dreaded question, “When are you having kids?”

I was asked by an older man. My first thought was to scream and say, I CAN’T HAVE KIDS, DOUCHE!! But I didn’t do that. I took the high road and said,”not sure, for right now, we’re happy with the fact that we can put our fur kids in a cage and its perfectly legal.” We laughed, he left.

My coworker came over to see if I was okay. She’s aware of what’s been going on. Saddest part, I am okay. I think I’ve accepted that this isn’t going to work out. I’m actually feeling a little bit of closure on the topic. I feel ready to move forward with adoption.

Sure, it would be the best day ever if it worked out, but as I’ve learned… A positive pregnancy test doesn’t equal a baby. It just means you’ve crossed the first of many hurdles.

Side story… My best friend was dealing with infertility issues related to fibroids. We talked a lot about our infertility issues. The RE wanted her to do an IUI before ivf. She got pregnant with twins. I got secretly pissed at God, not because I wasn’t happy for her, but because it just seems like miracles happen to everyone else. It was right around the time of my chemical and it stung like hell. I had to distance myself from her. I went and had lunch with her the other day. I finally got my head out of the sand. I hadn’t seen her since Christmas. I was shocked to see the growing belly. It was hard, but the good kind of hard… Like hiking to the top of a mountain.

I felt so terrible when she told me that she’s been having some issues. Most recently, the doctors spotted blood clots in her umbilical cords, BOTH OF THEM. The babies are in jeopardy. She finds out more news next week. I’m praying for good news. I just can’t imagine. It just serves as a reminder, this journey isn’t over until the little baby sings!

Thanks to many of you ladies I was able to recommend her getting a Doppler. She had no clue you could buy one. I told her it would probably help with the anxiety. She bought one immediately after lunch! Say a little prayer for her and all the pregnant ladies out there enduring the hurdles as they come. This ride isn’t for the fain of heart.

Hoping to be on a medical oddity show one fine day!

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So I haven’t talked too much about this cycle, because I really don’t want to think about it. I got all of my drugs from the RE weeks ago. I never asked any questions about the cycle.

Well it runs out, I’m basically doing ivf. It’s a mini stim cycle. They have me stimming to produce my own estrogen naturally. After my first appointment, I asked the nurse… How does this all work? Answer, it’s ivf minus the retrieval. Well then I started getting a great response to the meds… And then I was saddened by the waste of my fresh eggs. And then… I took matters into my own hands and went rogue!

I upped my Follistim. I realized that I could create an at home IUI in addition to the FET. I knew they didn’t care how many follicles I developed, but maybe I did. I was being monitored, I knew only the larger follicles mattered. I knew I previously took 375 of Follistim and was now on 100. So I knew I wouldn’t overstimulate. I upped it to 150. Thinking well hell maybe I can get an extra egg out of this!

At the next appointment, the nurse told me… You’ve been through this soapy times, I bet you could read your own charts. I’m like yup! Later that day the office called and told me to up the meds… Which I had already done… So I upped it more. 175!

At the next appointment one of the doctors told me… You are responding wonderfully to this ministim! I’m like thanks!!! And I upped it even more! So far I have 4 major follicles developing!

Tonight I triggered. I called all of my friends that did IUI’s to find out how long after that they did the insemination. Long story short, hubs and I are going to do it like rabbits for the next few days.., TMI?? Probably.

Fact, I know this wont work, but should it not work, I’ll kick myself for not trying everything!

The transfer is at 1:30 on Monday!!

Fact, should we end up pregnant… We would potentially (very very very not likely) not know genetically whose kids they are.., or twins one ours one someone else’s. I’m not serious, because this is not going to work… But it’s funny none the less!

These are the days of our lives.

We survived Disney World

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castle

apples

minnie

wicked

Disney World was great!!!! We had so much fun.  However, WoW what an exhausting trip.  It was also a little heart breaking seeing all the smiling happy families.  But in time, we will have our family, one way or another. 

They say that an average person walks 9 miles a day… I believe it. I kind of wanted to die by the end of the week. Seriously though, it was a great vacation. We really needed to get away and have some fun. It was just what the doctor ordered.

I was home for 24 hours before I came down with the stomach flu. Awesome! Then Tuesday was my monitoring/baseline appointment. All was good. Last Friday I began daily injections of Follistim. You guys know I checked out a while ago. Why am I stimming? I have no clue. I assumed or vaguely remembered the doctor saying something about supressing. But after I got the paperwork with my information on it, I realized this is an IVF cycle. She told me it was a mini stim cycle, but I thought it was modified. Turns out, minus the egg retrieval, it’s the exact same thing. So they are stimming my ovaries to get me to produce excess estrogen naturally. I will triigger with HCG. Five days later, transfer.

Well this got me to thinking… what a waste of precious eggs. I was telling the hubs. I know they say no sex, but we are doing it like rabbits around trigger time. One thing led to another and my next thought was … what if we get pregnant? It will seriously be like a Jerry Springer episode. Whose baby is it?? Is it ours or the donor embryos. It could be like a fun surprise. I kid, I kid. I think we all know our only hope is the donor embryos.

When I stimmed on IVF I was on 375 of follistim. This time, I am on 100. Why am I having more side effects from 100 than the 375. More even than on Lupron. I am sweating like a pig all day, every day. Other than that, no complaints.

Im sorry I have been so quiet. I thought I’d have more to say on this blog. Do you ever get in these moods where you have nothing to say? I just dont have a lot of hope for this. Of course I wish it would work, but I dont think we will get off that easy.

Wishing lots of love for all of you still reading. Thank you again for all of your support. I’ve been lurking around your blogs.