Monthly Archives: May 2013

I never ever thought I’d see the day


First, let me apologize for my absence. I’ve been so tired. We made it to twelve weeks!!!!! 12 weeks!!!

Many of you came over from my old blog. What I could not say then was that during all of this, my family was actually pretty horrible. My mother would constantly harass me. My unfortunate situation became the thing to gossip about. My mom would constantly pick fights with me. Arguments would start because ” you told your sister you had 9 embryos but you didn’t tell me.” Just your average crazy shit! Exactly what you shouldn’t have to deal with while dealing with the stresses of infertility and failed cycles. Last year, the entire summer when I was off work, we didn’t speak. I just couldn’t believe that my mom was stirring up all of this shit! I just finally said that they can either get it together or that they could get lost.

Now here I was pregnant and the thought of telling my family honestly sickened me. It marked the end of this stressful, yet peaceful period in our life and the start of the vultures pecking. Most people dream of telling their mothers they are pregnant. I dreaded it.

This past weekend we finally did it. In actuality everything was okay. I did get asked several times, who knows? To many, this is an innocent question. To me, from my experience, this is the beginning of what will eventually turn into an argument. I just lied and said no one… But in reality… Everyone knew except my family.

I’m a pretty open person. However when you hurt me, and it takes a lot, it is so difficult for you to ever come back from that.

We told everyone that they were coming over for cake for my birthday. The cake had a message on it “BABY B due December 2012”

It took a while for them to figure it out, but it was really cute once they did. My grandmother just sat there and cried for 10 minutes speechless! She finally choked out that her prayers were answered. It was really sweet and honestly the first time I think we cried tears of joy.

So all in all, we are very happy. Over the moon happy. I just can not believe this.

We also graduated from the RE on Tuesday. I cried at that appointment too. I never thought we would ever make it that far!

And brace yourself for what I’m about to say… Me, the most superstitious person in the world, bought a crib! It was on Craigslist. This woman had a pottery barn crib for sale with mattress for $200.00 and I had to have it! It was used 6 times at her beach house. $200!!! I think it’s becoming very real. I think we might actually end up with a baby. I really hope so. I just think back to the day we went in for the transfer. The snow, the insanity of everything, and it just feels like we are living in an alternate universe where maybe just maybe everything will be okay.

I introduce skelator!



Mother’s Day blues


My last ultrasound went good. I have high blood pressure which is new and is concerning to the drs. Next appointment is Tuesday.

Mother’s Day makes me want to cut my eyes out with dull scissors. It’s as if there is a holiday made especially to rub salt in a very deep open wound.

I get that I should feel differently this year. I just don’t. I really wish I did. Not happening.

I wish for all of you some peace today.

I’m also sorry for my posts being so… Thoughtless!! I’m just so tired!!!!!!