Monthly Archives: August 2013

The dress


Maybe I’m alone here, but I doubt it. 

A few weeks ago when I was ready to admit that there may actually be a baby at the end of this journey… I remembered something. 

The dress. 



The dress was something my husband and I purchased years ago while vacationing in Mexico.  Before we knew about infertility, before we knew about polyps, diminished ovarian reserve, low sperm count, failed IVF, embryo adoption, failed cycles, and a complete loss of hope. 

Mexico was “our last vacation before we had kids.”




As time went by, and the thought of anyone ever actually wearing the dress became less of a reality,  I tucked that dress away, knowing it would likely never be worn. 

After finding out that we were actually having a baby girl (fingers crossed), a few weeks went by before I remembered the dress.  

When I pulled the dress out, everything we had been through for the past few years came flooding back.  I had put it aside.  It felt bittersweet as I held that dress.  That dress was so much more than just a dress.  It was hope.  Pulling it out forced me to reflect on everything.  I just cried… the kind of cathartic cry that somehow releases you of SOME of the pain you’ve carried with you over the years. 

A few days after the re-discovery of the dress, I was talking to a very dear friend of mine.  We started talking because we are both nuts, and we were cycling at the same time. She also has a blog and has recently decided to stop treatment and move forward childless. Without knowing about my dress, she mentioned that she wanted to send me a gift.  A dress she purchased during her last cycle. 

Tears rolled down my face, because I know exactly what that dress meant to her.  I can say with sincerity, that this will likely be one of my most cherished possessions.  

This story doesn’t always end well for some of us.  I will never forget what we went through to get to this place.  I love you all, and truly hope that someday there is a baby in your “dress.”

**PS… because I know you are reading this… I love you dearly and hope someday in the very near future, that pigs do fly and you have a baby of your own.  I truly understand why you decided to move forward.






catching up


Okay, this post is a long time coming.  I am really sorry it took this long to post.  Here’s the thing.  Im a brutally honest person.  This experience has been scary.  It’s also not that awesome.  I spent so much time trying to get pregnant.  The thought truthfully never even occurred to me what it would feel like to be pregnant.  I never thought we would be here.  With that said, I am incredibly grateful to be in this position, however I feel the need to be real.  And with that said, I totally understand why most of you, if not all of you would not want to hear it.  So I’ve been quiet. 


Im sure that there are people out there having a grand old time being pregnant.  I have to be honest…. I am not one of them.  My first trimester, I really didn’t have too many symptoms.  Everything was pretty good.  Around 16 weeks, all hell broke loose.   My feet were killing me.  Wahhh poor me!  I know, I know.  It felt like every ligament in my foot was snapping with every step I took.  Well then that went away. WINNING! 

ONLY TO BE REPLACED WITH SEVERE CARPAL TUNNEL.  I just woke up one morning with carpal tunnel in both arms.  Not just pins and needles carpal tunnel, but what I would equate to what drowning in an ice pond would feel like!  My arms, hands, wrists all felt like they’ve been submerged in an ice bath.  Combined with pins and needles.. all day and night long.  Nothing would eliminate the pain.  This went on for a month.  I just broke down last week and saw a specialist.  Post cortisone injection, I feel amazing. 

I started feeling movement about 3 weeks ago.  What does that feel like? A fucking alien trying to scratch its way out. Totally insane.  I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that.


Peed myself while sneezing the other day.  Way cool.


Also, my boobs itched like none other… after a thorough investigation… they are leaking a clear sticky substance.


I hate to complain, however NO ONE PREPARED ME FOR THIS! I was beyond miserable.  Im hoping now that I have functioning limbs and can drive a car without excruciating pain that things will start looking up. 

I mentioned earlier that my boss was fired.   Our team complained regularly about Grimmace.  Nothing he did seemed to matter. He told a coworker to go on a business trip naked.  He compulsively lied.  He told us he hated the company.  So much had happened… none of that mattered!  It was so frustrating.  We started to accept that this was how it was going to be.  Then one magical morning we were called into a meeting… where we were told… “As of this morning Grimmace has been terminated.”. Wait, what?!!!! We all sat there in shock.  Not one of us could believe it.  Speechless.  Conditions at work have improved dramatically since then. 

We all have those relator people we know that MAKE TERRRIBLE PARENTS!  FOR ME, THAT WAS MY COUSIN.    As we struggled for years to conceive, she got pregnant, did drugs while pregnant, had a perfect baby girl.  Failed a drug test, had custody taken away, let my aunt raise her baby.  Never made an attempt to better herself.  On numerous occasions, I tried to help her find a job.  I tried to help her.  Two weeks ago, we got a phone call that she was in the hospital from sepsis.  Then we got a phone call that the situation was bad, and she was on a ventilator her kidneys and liver were in failure.  My brother and I decided to pay our last respects. We saw her hooked up to the machine.  We had just saw her the week of the fourth for her brothers wedding.  She looked great.


Long story short… she had a UTI.  She actually had antibiotics to treat it.  However she stopped taking them because it upset her stomach.  Her Uti turned into a kidney infection. That spread to her liver causing sepsis and organ failure.  She didn’t know she was in serious pain, because her new drug og choice was heroin. 


I have never seen anything so horrible in my whole life.  I could tell when we saw her that she was gone.  My aunt just sat there crying… “ my baby girl”.  As I sat there pregnant I couldn’t help but feel her pain.  You want many things for your children… but never this. 

I had to call my Mom, who lives in Texas… she asked how she was.  I could tell she had hope.  I explained that its really bad.  The best thing we could do is pray that she passes quickly. 


Her daughter doesn’t yet know of her passing.  I cant believe this has happened to this sweet child.


In happier news, we found out the sex!  IT’S A GIRL! We couldn’t be happier. 


Again, I apologize for not posting.  Im going to do better!  Im also hoping now that im feeing better, I’ll complain less.  Miss you all.  xoxo.

ps  im sorry this reads like a 4 year old wrote it.  im sleepy.