Mother’s Day blues

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My last ultrasound went good. I have high blood pressure which is new and is concerning to the drs. Next appointment is Tuesday.

Mother’s Day makes me want to cut my eyes out with dull scissors. It’s as if there is a holiday made especially to rub salt in a very deep open wound.

I get that I should feel differently this year. I just don’t. I really wish I did. Not happening.

I wish for all of you some peace today.

I’m also sorry for my posts being so… Thoughtless!! I’m just so tired!!!!!!

No sigh of relief yet

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We had our third ultrasound. My husband had a trial that was scheduled late last week and he couldn’t make it to the appointment. I put my big girl panties on and went by myself.

I wasn’t too worried because finally my spotting stopped!

I held my breath and waited to see a heartbeat. I did see it. Whew! Measuring at 7w4d on Monday and had a heartbeat of 152. I almost felt good.

Almost!

The woman kept snapping photos and doing measurements. She told me.. “I’m just measuring this little subchorionic hematoma. It’s a small bleed, but don’t worry, it’s normal and I see it in 50% of pregnancies. It’s probably why you were spotting”

I replied “but I’ve stopped spotting and this wasn’t there last week!”

“Don’t worry it’s normal.”

Uhh yea, right. Worried. One of these days an ultrasound will just be good news. Again, today is not the day.

We finished up the appointment and the lady told me I should schedule an appointment with my regular Ob… Then she said “we’re done here”

I started freaking out… “What do you mean we’re done here? Like done done?”

“Yep, were done.”

Me “so I’m not coming back???” Panic attack!

Her… Laughing… “No, just for today!”

“Oh I thought you meant I was done here. I was told I was here until 12 weeks, and this is not 12 weeks! I almost died!”

And so I called my husband and told him the news and we agreed… I don’t know when I will actually feel good about this situation, but again… Today is not the day.

In related news, my pants barely button. I long for the days of elastic waistbands!

My hips have no feeling.

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Yesterday, I had an itch at my PIO injection site. I noticed when I itched it, I had no feeling. It was numb.

When I went to get my shot last night my anxiety was building and building. My husband asked.. Did that hurt? I thought he was playing a joke on me. I said “no, it didn’t hurt because you didn’t do the shot yet!!” He replied…”you didn’t feel that?”

Nope, not at all. NADA NOTHING ZILCH!

I have no feeling at my injection sites. None. This is kind of awesome yet I’m hoping not permanent.

My next ultrasound is tomorrow. I might have to go by myself. I’m praying everything is okay.

Thank you ladies for all of your support. It means more than u could ever know.

I married a strange strange man.

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My husband has been asking me a series of questions that include but are not limited to the following:

1. Do you have a milky white discharge?
2. Are your nipples darker?
3. Do you have goosebumps on your nipples?
4. If you drink more water, it will help with the cramps.
5. Would you say your boobs are a whole cup size larger?

Apparently, he got the What to expect when expecting app and has been doing tons of research.

My response to each question… You are annoying!! Shut up!!!!

We do this type of thing to annoy each other (playfully of course). I have to admit… He’s really got me beat with his questioning. I don’t think I can top it.

We live to see another day

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The second ultrasound measured 6w3d. Heartbeat at 117. She said everything looked okay. She said the heartbeat should go up. “That’s the natural progression of things”.

I still have light spotting on occasion and cramping. Yes, I get that it’s normal, but it’s not comforting.

But… Because I’m a freak… Last week was 5w5d, this week was 6w3d. My mind goes to a horrible place. I wish it didn’t, but it does.

I think my biggest fear is that I will not come out of this this the same person if something goes wrong. I’ve been strong. I just can’t do it anymore. That fear is overwhelming.

I’m so sorry I’m this whiney pregnant pain in the ass!!

What’s new with all of you? Distract me please!!!

My lovely lady lumps

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Progesterone in oil… I loathe you. I have giant knots in my ass and nothing will help them to go away. NOTHING! I think cycling back to back to back really didn’t help matters.

It’s actually getting to the point where it feels like a bee sting all day long.

I talked to the doctor about my lumps and they said I could switch to progesterone in a different kind of oil.

Have any of you had any luck with this?

So, I wouldn’t say I have morning sickness, but my taste has totally changed. I love vegetables and can not tolerate sweets! WTF! Yogurt made me gag. I didn’t like the way it felt in my mouth. Actually, almost anything creamy is just not happening.

Next ultrasound is Monday morning… Please God let everything be okay!

Our first ultrasound ever

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First, I’m sure a lot of you know, because you’ve lived it one way or another, but the level of terror while going to an office that has only ever delivered horrible news while hoping for good news is seriously the worst thing ever.

As I sat in the waiting room with my husband, I told him I was terrified. We went into the room and the woman started asking me questions and I just started crying. I’m sure I looked crazy. This is supposed to be a happy time. It really doesn’t feel happy. Each cramp. Each little spot of blood sends me into panic. I seriously feel like I have PTSD.

At any rate, the woman did the ultrasound. She knew I was spazzing out. I explained…”you people don’t give me any good news” she laughed. She scanned…. There was one perfect little sac. It measured 5w5d. She zoomed in and we were able to see the heart beat. She told us that this doesn’t usually happen at the first appointment and tried to reassure me that this was great news. She measured it at 90 beats/minute. Again telling me that this was ahead of schedule.

When hubs saw the little heartbeat, he gasped “Wow!”. It was really cute. It was really amazing.

After they left the room. He was so happy and said he was likely going to cry the whole way to work.

Tonight, when I got home, blood on toilet paper. All good news is short lived and panic rules with an iron fist. Next ultrasound is next Monday. Prayers that I make it until then.

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