Wtf just happened?!?

Where did I leave off?? Oh right, preeclampsia. What a bitch that is!

Sometime around the end of September I was in and out of the hospital for issues relating to blood pressure. The end of September I was admitted to the hospital due to the preeclampsia. My blood pressure meds were not working. Basically, I stayed there hopped up on drugs until the delivery of Little Miss. What I didn’t realize about the hospital is that you are basically hooked up to a fucking monitor indefinitely! So if you fall asleep and move, someone comes in and wakes you up. You end up getting about 4 hours of sleep per day, on a good day. Oh, and your family thinks you’re bored and wants to give you things to keep you busy, but what they don’t understand is that the simplest of tasks… Like going to the bathroom feels like you just ran a marathon because you are so out of breath. All you want to do is sleep, but the universe has other plans. The minute you close your eyes, in pops that mother in law, the church people wanting to pray for you, the doctors, the high risk doctors, the gestational diabetes doctors, your regular ob, the team that wants to discuss your gestational diabetes, the dietitians, the people that want to get your order for food selection, the nurse that wants to check your blood pressure, give you drugs, collect every single pee you have FOREVER, more family, shut your eyes and one of these people will be there to wreck your world within minutes. So by week 4, I was exhausted.

When I was first admitted the kind doctors from the NICU unit came and talked to us. They basically told us all of the things that were going to go wrong when the baby is delivered this early. I suppose their intention was to prepare us for the worst. Mission accomplished. What a horrible feeling. I just felt like I was failing this baby.

At one high risk ultrasound appointment, it was detected that the baby stopped growing. The doctor was actually pretty great. He told me that she’s better in than out, but that likely I would be induced soon, because the baby was measuring in THE SIXTH PERCENTILE. Oh my god, I wanted to die on that day. How could this be happening?? The blood pressure effects the placenta and nutrients don’t flow to the baby as they once had. She went from being average to being in the 6th percentile. She was weighing an estimated 3 pounds 4 ounces at the time 32 weeks (I think).

This was mid October-ish. That day, for some unknown reason, I was released from the hospital. Oddly enough, my baby shower was that weekend and was happening with or without me. So it was good to have one last moment outside of the hospital. I knew once word got to my doctor on the babies growth, that I was done. So I went to my shower. I could barely walk, but I did it.

At the shower, everyone was talking about December, the babies due date. By the end of the shower someone that knew asked me when I thought she would make an arrival. I just blurted out… I’ll be shocked if I’m still pregnant by the end of the week.

Well it turns out, I was right. On oct 24th, the little princess arrived. She was 3 pounds 8 ounces.

I’ll talk more about her delivery later, and her lengthy stay in NICU but for now… I leave you with this
K to the O to the R to the A Grace.

I have all the time in the world!

Right around 20 weeks, this easy pregnancy no longer felt easy. Every single thing I did felt like it required more effort than running a marathon. I just remember feeling like garbage all the time. I’ve never been this pregnant before, so I didn’t know what was normal and what wasn’t.

Around 26 weeks at a routine appointment, I had my blood pressure checked. It was high. Woopy Doo I thought, ever since I was about 10 weeks I’ve had doctors telling me my blood pressure was high, only for it to come down and me to leave the appointment and go about my merry way. I thought nothing of it when she double checked it. Had another nurse check it, twice.

I had already spilled the beans about my trip to visit my parents the next day in Texas. At that point, the doctor informed me that I would need to go to triage in the hospital for additional tests and monitoring. To be honest, I didn’t take it too seriously. I felt like shit, but I thought it was normal to feel like that. My blood pressure was high, but after some time it came down like it always had before… around 140/90.

They asked me if I had pain in my liver, kidneys, a headache that wouldn’t go away, swelling. I had none of this. They ran some tests and they came back normal. I was released and told that if I had any of these symptoms that I would need to go to labor and delivery once I made it to Texas.

The next day in Texas, I felt like crap… I chalked it up to travel. The following day, we went to the Space center in Houston. I didn’t walk around too much. We were on our way home, and I looked down at my feet. Once I got in the car, I noticed it.. HOLY SHIT I COULD NO LONGER SEE MY ANKLES. They were gone. Swollen. I started to freak out a little bit because it seemed like now things were happening that they were warning me about at the hospital.

I had my mom take me to a few pharmacies to have my bp checked. It was 150/98. SHIT! Well I thought, I really don’t want to get stuck in a hospital in Texas. I brought my Doppler. I knew baby was okay. I convinced myself that I could drink a ton of water and cure myself of the swelling. So I took it easy and the swelling went down and all was right with the world.

I had a doctor appointment for Tuesday the day after we returned from Texas. At the appointment she took my blood pressure and everything was fine.

See, I knew I was okay.

The next day I had an ultrasound. That morning I woke up with a headache. WAIT, A HEADACHE. So after my ultrasound I called the doctors office and informed them of my headache. As they instructed me to do. I expected them to bring me in to check my blood pressure as the word preeclampsia had been thrown around. Instead, they told me to take a Tylenol cold and sinus. They said I probably was getting sick. WTF.

I went to my house to lay down because I just didn’t feel good. After a little while, I knew something was wrong. I decided to go to work and have the nurse check my blood pressure. It was 170/105. I called the doctor and was told to go back to the hospital for additional monitoring. I was hooked up to a machine and after a few hours, my blood pressure dropped down. At that point, the doctors told me to go home, get bed rest, and to get an appointment with my doctor to discuss blood pressure medication.

At that appointment, the doctor informed me that I was brewing. I started that medication Sept 23rd. I immediately felt better. The baby was more active. Whew. I felt better about the situation. Three days later I started to feel like shit again. My nurse at work checked my blood pressure, in spite of the blood pressure meds my blood pressure was 160/108. I called the doctor and was sent to triage for more monitoring.

Again, I was sent home. As my blood pressure did eventually come down. I was told to stay in bed the remainder of the weekend.

The next appointment was a routine blood pressure check, I passed. Bed rest helped. I also submitted my urine for another total protein test. I also did a one hour glucose test.

I failed my one hour glucose test and now had some more protein in my urine. 329 mgs.

As luck would have it, I also failed my three hour glucose test and could add gestational diabetes to my running list of problems.

The next day, at my doctors appointment my blood pressure was 160/100. I was immediately admitted for an extended stay in the high risk unit in the hospital. I have been here for 10 days with no end in sight. I was given steroid injections to help develop Little Miss’s lungs faster. So far she’s doing great which is awesome and all I really care about. They are anticipating her arrival much earlier than we initially expected. My protein is creeping up. My blood pressure goes up, so do my medsd, it goes down, then creeps back up.

Yesterday I missed my brothers wedding. Next Saturday is my baby shower. Im getting a little grumpy.

I am 31 weeks and four days pregnant.

Ill elaborate more later, but for right now… this computer has deleted this post like 5 times and Im super annoyed. I promise to bring a better attitude to my next post.

Recent Ramblings

I have been so quiet.  I think it’s because I’m slightly terrified of what is next.  I read my old blog and I don’t know that I know that person anymore.  New fears have replaced the old ones… and these fears somehow seem heavier than ever.  Well, I think I used to be funny (emphasis on “I think”).  It’s hard to have a sense of humor when the consequences of this not working out are so much more serious this time around. 

I don’t think I would survive.  That’s some super scary shit.

So it’s easier to be quiet. 

***********************************************************

I try to lie and tell myself that I am not that huge.  I said this to my husband and he said… “Yea, keep telling yourself that.”  HAHAHAH!  As I near the end of the second trimester, it’s time I wear strictly maternity clothes.  Up until this point, I could get away with a non maternity shirt with maternity pants, or vice versa.  About two weeks ago this stomach just popped out of no where. 

I am officially 26 weeks. Insane. 

Hallmark has Christmas ornaments out.  I walked by and one caught my attention.  “Babies first Christmas 2013.”  I had to buy it.  I also cried in Hallmark by myself like a freak.  Never ever ever did I think we would ever get to this point.  The moments that force me to realize that this is actually a reality are the ones that make me super emotional. 

Purchasing things for the baby is a slippery slope.  Once you start, you can not stop.  I’m obsessed. 

Operation “Get babies Room” together is in full effect.  I am so excited about the room that I can barely contain myself.  I purchased the crib on Craigslist a while ago.  We just got a changing table from Ikea for $50.00, and I re purposed an office armoire  that we’ve had for years.  My husband has his work clothes in the closet in that room, instead of relocating it I decided to convert the armoire into a closet for her.  I also have a grandmother that is a pretty amazing sewer.  Instead of purchasing the bedding, I bought fabric and I’m having her make a crib skirt, a rail cover (instead of a bumper), curtains, a crib quilt and some pillows for the floor.  I hate to admit to a theme, but it’s under the sea… (kind of).  More adult like… I just hate the kiddy stuff out there.  So far sea horses and mermaids with a coral printed fabric are the main stars.  I can not wait for my grandmother to finish up the bedding.  The walls are currently painted a blue, grey, green and I plan on keeping them that way partly because Im lazy and partly because I like the room semi neutral with pops of color.

 

 

The dress

Maybe I’m alone here, but I doubt it. 

A few weeks ago when I was ready to admit that there may actually be a baby at the end of this journey… I remembered something. 

The dress. 

 

The dress was something my husband and I purchased years ago while vacationing in Mexico.  Before we knew about infertility, before we knew about polyps, diminished ovarian reserve, low sperm count, failed IVF, embryo adoption, failed cycles, and a complete loss of hope. 

Mexico was “our last vacation before we had kids.”

“BAHAHAH” SAID THE UNIVERSE!

 

As time went by, and the thought of anyone ever actually wearing the dress became less of a reality,  I tucked that dress away, knowing it would likely never be worn. 

After finding out that we were actually having a baby girl (fingers crossed), a few weeks went by before I remembered the dress.  

When I pulled the dress out, everything we had been through for the past few years came flooding back.  I had put it aside.  It felt bittersweet as I held that dress.  That dress was so much more than just a dress.  It was hope.  Pulling it out forced me to reflect on everything.  I just cried… the kind of cathartic cry that somehow releases you of SOME of the pain you’ve carried with you over the years. 

A few days after the re-discovery of the dress, I was talking to a very dear friend of mine.  We started talking because we are both nuts, and we were cycling at the same time. She also has a blog and has recently decided to stop treatment and move forward childless. Without knowing about my dress, she mentioned that she wanted to send me a gift.  A dress she purchased during her last cycle. 

Tears rolled down my face, because I know exactly what that dress meant to her.  I can say with sincerity, that this will likely be one of my most cherished possessions.  

This story doesn’t always end well for some of us.  I will never forget what we went through to get to this place.  I love you all, and truly hope that someday there is a baby in your “dress.”

**PS… because I know you are reading this… I love you dearly and hope someday in the very near future, that pigs do fly and you have a baby of your own.  I truly understand why you decided to move forward.

 

 

 

 

catching up

Okay, this post is a long time coming.  I am really sorry it took this long to post.  Here’s the thing.  Im a brutally honest person.  This experience has been scary.  It’s also not that awesome.  I spent so much time trying to get pregnant.  The thought truthfully never even occurred to me what it would feel like to be pregnant.  I never thought we would be here.  With that said, I am incredibly grateful to be in this position, however I feel the need to be real.  And with that said, I totally understand why most of you, if not all of you would not want to hear it.  So I’ve been quiet. 

 

Im sure that there are people out there having a grand old time being pregnant.  I have to be honest…. I am not one of them.  My first trimester, I really didn’t have too many symptoms.  Everything was pretty good.  Around 16 weeks, all hell broke loose.   My feet were killing me.  Wahhh poor me!  I know, I know.  It felt like every ligament in my foot was snapping with every step I took.  Well then that went away. WINNING! 

ONLY TO BE REPLACED WITH SEVERE CARPAL TUNNEL.  I just woke up one morning with carpal tunnel in both arms.  Not just pins and needles carpal tunnel, but what I would equate to what drowning in an ice pond would feel like!  My arms, hands, wrists all felt like they’ve been submerged in an ice bath.  Combined with pins and needles.. all day and night long.  Nothing would eliminate the pain.  This went on for a month.  I just broke down last week and saw a specialist.  Post cortisone injection, I feel amazing. 

I started feeling movement about 3 weeks ago.  What does that feel like? A fucking alien trying to scratch its way out. Totally insane.  I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that.

 

Peed myself while sneezing the other day.  Way cool.

 

Also, my boobs itched like none other… after a thorough investigation… they are leaking a clear sticky substance.

 

I hate to complain, however NO ONE PREPARED ME FOR THIS! I was beyond miserable.  Im hoping now that I have functioning limbs and can drive a car without excruciating pain that things will start looking up. 

I mentioned earlier that my boss was fired.   Our team complained regularly about Grimmace.  Nothing he did seemed to matter. He told a coworker to go on a business trip naked.  He compulsively lied.  He told us he hated the company.  So much had happened… none of that mattered!  It was so frustrating.  We started to accept that this was how it was going to be.  Then one magical morning we were called into a meeting… where we were told… “As of this morning Grimmace has been terminated.”. Wait, what?!!!! We all sat there in shock.  Not one of us could believe it.  Speechless.  Conditions at work have improved dramatically since then. 

We all have those relator people we know that MAKE TERRRIBLE PARENTS!  FOR ME, THAT WAS MY COUSIN.    As we struggled for years to conceive, she got pregnant, did drugs while pregnant, had a perfect baby girl.  Failed a drug test, had custody taken away, let my aunt raise her baby.  Never made an attempt to better herself.  On numerous occasions, I tried to help her find a job.  I tried to help her.  Two weeks ago, we got a phone call that she was in the hospital from sepsis.  Then we got a phone call that the situation was bad, and she was on a ventilator her kidneys and liver were in failure.  My brother and I decided to pay our last respects. We saw her hooked up to the machine.  We had just saw her the week of the fourth for her brothers wedding.  She looked great.

 

Long story short… she had a UTI.  She actually had antibiotics to treat it.  However she stopped taking them because it upset her stomach.  Her Uti turned into a kidney infection. That spread to her liver causing sepsis and organ failure.  She didn’t know she was in serious pain, because her new drug og choice was heroin. 

 

I have never seen anything so horrible in my whole life.  I could tell when we saw her that she was gone.  My aunt just sat there crying… “ my baby girl”.  As I sat there pregnant I couldn’t help but feel her pain.  You want many things for your children… but never this. 

I had to call my Mom, who lives in Texas… she asked how she was.  I could tell she had hope.  I explained that its really bad.  The best thing we could do is pray that she passes quickly. 

 

Her daughter doesn’t yet know of her passing.  I cant believe this has happened to this sweet child.

 

In happier news, we found out the sex!  IT’S A GIRL! We couldn’t be happier. 

 

Again, I apologize for not posting.  Im going to do better!  Im also hoping now that im feeing better, I’ll complain less.  Miss you all.  xoxo.

ps  im sorry this reads like a 4 year old wrote it.  im sleepy. 

I’m the worst ever!!

I’m still alive! I feel pretty terrible that I haven’t posted in forever! I have so much to tell you… Crickets… Any of you that are still out there! I deserve to have no one reading this blog.

I just got back from vacation… This post will serve as a promise that tomorrow there will be a long post, with all sorts of dirty details!

Some scoop to keep you all hanging… MY EVIL BOSS WAS FIRED! There’s so much more!!

I never ever thought I’d see the day

First, let me apologize for my absence. I’ve been so tired. We made it to twelve weeks!!!!! 12 weeks!!!

Many of you came over from my old blog. What I could not say then was that during all of this, my family was actually pretty horrible. My mother would constantly harass me. My unfortunate situation became the thing to gossip about. My mom would constantly pick fights with me. Arguments would start because ” you told your sister you had 9 embryos but you didn’t tell me.” Just your average crazy shit! Exactly what you shouldn’t have to deal with while dealing with the stresses of infertility and failed cycles. Last year, the entire summer when I was off work, we didn’t speak. I just couldn’t believe that my mom was stirring up all of this shit! I just finally said that they can either get it together or that they could get lost.

Now here I was pregnant and the thought of telling my family honestly sickened me. It marked the end of this stressful, yet peaceful period in our life and the start of the vultures pecking. Most people dream of telling their mothers they are pregnant. I dreaded it.

This past weekend we finally did it. In actuality everything was okay. I did get asked several times, who knows? To many, this is an innocent question. To me, from my experience, this is the beginning of what will eventually turn into an argument. I just lied and said no one… But in reality… Everyone knew except my family.

I’m a pretty open person. However when you hurt me, and it takes a lot, it is so difficult for you to ever come back from that.

We told everyone that they were coming over for cake for my birthday. The cake had a message on it “BABY B due December 2012”

It took a while for them to figure it out, but it was really cute once they did. My grandmother just sat there and cried for 10 minutes speechless! She finally choked out that her prayers were answered. It was really sweet and honestly the first time I think we cried tears of joy.

So all in all, we are very happy. Over the moon happy. I just can not believe this.

We also graduated from the RE on Tuesday. I cried at that appointment too. I never thought we would ever make it that far!

And brace yourself for what I’m about to say… Me, the most superstitious person in the world, bought a crib! It was on Craigslist. This woman had a pottery barn crib for sale with mattress for $200.00 and I had to have it! It was used 6 times at her beach house. $200!!! I think it’s becoming very real. I think we might actually end up with a baby. I really hope so. I just think back to the day we went in for the transfer. The snow, the insanity of everything, and it just feels like we are living in an alternate universe where maybe just maybe everything will be okay.

I introduce skelator!

Mother’s Day blues

My last ultrasound went good. I have high blood pressure which is new and is concerning to the drs. Next appointment is Tuesday.

Mother’s Day makes me want to cut my eyes out with dull scissors. It’s as if there is a holiday made especially to rub salt in a very deep open wound.

I get that I should feel differently this year. I just don’t. I really wish I did. Not happening.

I wish for all of you some peace today.

I’m also sorry for my posts being so… Thoughtless!! I’m just so tired!!!!!!

No sigh of relief yet

We had our third ultrasound. My husband had a trial that was scheduled late last week and he couldn’t make it to the appointment. I put my big girl panties on and went by myself.

I wasn’t too worried because finally my spotting stopped!

I held my breath and waited to see a heartbeat. I did see it. Whew! Measuring at 7w4d on Monday and had a heartbeat of 152. I almost felt good.

Almost!

The woman kept snapping photos and doing measurements. She told me.. “I’m just measuring this little subchorionic hematoma. It’s a small bleed, but don’t worry, it’s normal and I see it in 50% of pregnancies. It’s probably why you were spotting”

I replied “but I’ve stopped spotting and this wasn’t there last week!”

“Don’t worry it’s normal.”

Uhh yea, right. Worried. One of these days an ultrasound will just be good news. Again, today is not the day.

We finished up the appointment and the lady told me I should schedule an appointment with my regular Ob… Then she said “we’re done here”

I started freaking out… “What do you mean we’re done here? Like done done?”

“Yep, were done.”

Me “so I’m not coming back???” Panic attack!

Her… Laughing… “No, just for today!”

“Oh I thought you meant I was done here. I was told I was here until 12 weeks, and this is not 12 weeks! I almost died!”

And so I called my husband and told him the news and we agreed… I don’t know when I will actually feel good about this situation, but again… Today is not the day.

In related news, my pants barely button. I long for the days of elastic waistbands!

My hips have no feeling.

Yesterday, I had an itch at my PIO injection site. I noticed when I itched it, I had no feeling. It was numb.

When I went to get my shot last night my anxiety was building and building. My husband asked.. Did that hurt? I thought he was playing a joke on me. I said “no, it didn’t hurt because you didn’t do the shot yet!!” He replied…”you didn’t feel that?”

Nope, not at all. NADA NOTHING ZILCH!

I have no feeling at my injection sites. None. This is kind of awesome yet I’m hoping not permanent.

My next ultrasound is tomorrow. I might have to go by myself. I’m praying everything is okay.

Thank you ladies for all of your support. It means more than u could ever know.